Lessons from Mom
The proper way to pee on yourself:
Can you get to a secluded area?
If yes: go to the secluded area
and skip to stanza three.
If no: do you have a few friends that can stand
around you and hold towels? If yes: arrange
the friends and towels around you. (If no: lean
forward and drape a towel over your rear end.)
Now that you are in privacy,
is the area in need of neutralization
below the waist? If yes: skip a line.
If no: skip to the next “if no:”.
Is the sting on the inside of the leg? If yes: fold
the affected leg under you and angle the leg
until the stream, when released, is positioned
over the affected area. If no: is there a cup or bucket
nearby? If yes: grab it and position it between
your legs. If it’s not yours, deal with the
consequences later by informing the owner
that urine is sterile. You have a short window
of time before the pain reaches black-out
levels. If no bucket: cup your hands,
one at a time, to harvest as much of the stream
as possible to slather on the affected area.
When you are in position, release the
stream. Continue administration as long
as you can, even after the pain subsides.
Healing needs more time than relief.
Megan Wildhood is a creative writer, scuba diver and saxophone player whose work includes a poetry chapbook Long Division (Finishing Line Press, 2017), which is about sororal estrangement; essays, fiction, poetry and nonfiction that have appeared, among other publications, in The Atlantic, The Sun, and Yes! Magazine and a novel in progress.