Aubade for a non-Existent child / wanda deglane
i am full of you.
i am full of you.
no longer quietly burning, but now a self-contained explosion
wanting to consume the flamed edges of my world.
think bursting. think of lemons, fallen to the forgotten earth in july,
their skin cracking and bleeding soft and sour.
oh god, how i love you. i love you like the sweet-sour
punching blood of pomegranates. i love you
like the colors i don’t yet have names for.
i love you so much, i need
to destroy you.
blooms screaming like a bruise beneath my chest.
my begging howls find their way out
when the city is drained of color, early dawn,
and only the tired highways hear me,
their legs crumbling beneath them. people perish.
i look at my reflection for comfort, all ghostly yellow and
violent blue, but she weeps and tells me,
my sweet moon offering. my tiny shadow.
my flattened juniper, squished like veins, crushed like lungs.
my silver and beaming orange. my persephone,
come to steal back the cold.
i pray the hollow of my organs squeezes the barely-formed life
out of you. the most painless of bloodbaths.
i pray you die so quick, you never get to reach out
your new fingers and find a home in my vermillion.
that you may only know life as this microscopic, blurry seed.
that you never drink of this urban honey, this smog and desperation.
that you never have to cry out in a world
that slowly makes a feast of you. that you may never
receive the only gifts i have left for you: raw, unrefined terror,
and the phantoms of dreams.
that you may never have to know your grandfather’s fists,
or your mother’s hesitations.
my rose, my apricot, there is only one thing i know:
everything i touch begs for life.
i pray i never live to touch you.
Wanda Deglane is a night-blooming desert flower from Arizona. She is the daughter of Peruvian immigrants and attends Arizona State University, pursuing a bachelor’s degree in psychology and family & human development. Her poetry has been published or forthcoming from Rust + Moth, Glass Poetry, L’Ephemere Review, and Former Cactus, among other lovely places. Wanda self published her first poetry book, Rainlily, in 2018.